artykins

So I haven't blogged for a while, which is something I mean to correct right now.  This week has moved right along, although I seem to be a day ahead in my mind because on Tuesday, I started feeling like it was Wednesday and yesterday I kept thinking it was Thursday and this morning I got to work and thought, for a brief, fleeting moment that it was Friday.  But then I was sad when I remembered it was only Thursday.  And then I was happy again because I remembered that tomorrow is a half day.

You see, tonight is Science Fair night where I work as well as open house, which is a night when parents come to see all the stuff that the kids have done throughout the year.  The kids have been busy all week getting their science projects finished and putting folders of their best work together to show off to their parents.  It's been kind of fun to watch.

My co-worker, Stacey, is hooking me up in terms of getting together some names of great local places to eat and visit when Matt and I go to Hawaii in August.  Her family is actually from there and one of her sisters lives and works at a prawn farm on Oahu, so Stacey was going to call her and ask if she knew of anyone who wanted to rent a house out.  Stacey also said that her sister would hook us up with some shrimp if we wanted it.  And I thought 'hot damn, that's amazing!'  So needless to say, if everything comes to fruition, we'll be getting some nice thank you stuff for Stacey and her family on Oahu.

Stacey also has a dog that I'm growing rather fond of.  His name is Eli and he's a tiny little thing that barks and runs away from you, but in dealing with Stacey every so often, he's getting used to me.  He's stopped barking at me as soon as he sees me and will happily lick my hand when I offer it to him.  He also will happily play with me.  He's got a monkey with long arms and long legs, so he'll get one end and I'll get the other and we'll have a tug-o-war until I give up, exhaused with the effort of so much work, and Eli will give the monkey a few good shakes to make sure it's thoroughly dead and then drop it triumphantly at his feet and look up to me for some praise.

Last night was bible study night, but it was kind of new this week because we started a ten week study on marriage.  It was also different because it took place at someone's house, not the church.

The basis of last night's discussion was admitting that I am the biggest problem in my marriage.  It was an interesting notion.  I mean, it makes sense when you really think about it and I think it makes sense when applied to yourself in general.  For me, things started clicking and connecting in my brain.

Why do I get irritated when Matt doesn't help me put the laundry away? It's because on some level, some degree of selfishness is kicking in because I seem to think that because I would think about putting stuff away, Matt should think the same way.  And I know full well that Matt and I think differently.  Men and women think different full stop, so my irritation is really my own fault because I expect something of him because I expect it of myself and he's not reciprocating it.

There was also the idea batted around that if two people agree to counseling and, when asked the question of what's the biggest problem in this relationship, and answer the other person's name, then the counseling session is over.  There's nothing the counselor can do because you've already reached a point where you're blind to your own inadequacies, so blind, that you'll never be convinced otherwise.  The key is to admit that you, yourself (in my case, I) am/are the biggest problem in your marriage.

I felt like a little door opened and I little ray of sunlight broke through the darkness in my head and something started to grow.  I'm not sure if it's an idea, a realization or an argument, but most likely I feel as if it's a realization.  Like someone has finally put something I've known all along into words that make sense to me.  Or like something that doesn't translate from Spanish to English, but you simply have an understanding of what the word or concept is in Spanish and that's the only way you understand it.

We also talked about how the realization of being the biggest problem in your relationship affects you.  I felt a connection to a woman, whom I'm not familiar with, because she said that she knows her spiritual gift is service to other people.  The problem is, while you might know your gift is service and while you enjoy doing things of that nature, you would still like to be thanked for things that you do.  And it's a catch 22 because you don't do it FOR the recognition, but a part of you wants to be recognized anyway for the work and efforts you do.

In terms of irritation/anger towards the second half of your relationship equation, in addition to being the worst part of the equation, I also feel as though the past or the future have a great deal of hold on how I react with certain situations.  I get irritated mostly because someone doesn't do things the way I'd do them and I can't understand why.  It's that way because I'm selfish and expect too much of someone who isn't me.  I get angry when things don't go my way because I'm selfish and want things the way I want them.

It makes sense that I'm the biggest problem in my marriage.

Just making sense of what that means and what I should now do with the new light in my brain is another story.

I was pondering the saying of 'there's nothing that comes out of drunk's mouth that wasn't already there to begin with' for a while last night in bed.  We all know that liquor loosens the tongue of anyone, but there's nothing that person says that wasn't already in his heart.  Luke 6:43 states that clearly.  A good tree does not bear good fruit because good fruit cannot be in it.  Nothing that a person says is something that isn't already in his heart, so when you say something hurtful to someone else, it's incorrect to say 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.'  It's more correct to say 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let that slip out.'

It makes me wonder about people sometimes, myself included.  It makes the practice of covering ourselves up with pretty things seem so futile because in reality, what we're doing is taking a tree that bears bad fruit and simply nailing good fruit to it, fruit that will be pretty for a day before it starts to rot and wither and die.  And then you're left with what was there before.  An ugly, withering, futile tree that provides nothing worthwhile.

It's a sobering thought.

It opens the door to consider a plethora of other things, my reactions to people around me, not just my husband.  How I react to other people is the marker of what kind of tree I am, and if I'm honest with myself, I'd have to say I'm a tree on its way out.  My reactions are, more often than not, graceless and cold, but with the all sufficient power and boundless grace of God, I can be a tree that bears good fruit.  And if I had to choose, I'd be an avocado tree.

So now the part I need to play is to pray each day (perhaps more than once) that God would bestow upon me the grace I need, the love I should show and the wherewithal to know what it is I should do in my marriage and in my interactions with everyone else.  I'll pray that I'll get a little taste each day of what it's like to bear good fruit in my life for the glory of God.

That is my hope and prayer today.

What kind of tree are you?

- Arty