artykins

Well, it was a beautiful day back home. A bit on the warm side, but I took refuge downstairs at the house (since it is, after all, partially underground) and pretty much passed out in spectacular nap-form. It was pretty bad. I didn't even care where I slept. I got two blankets, one folded up as a pillow and the other just loosely over me and I kind of sprawled out all over the floor. Uncle Benny was there as well and it was him that got me up.

Of course, getting me to wake up is a feat in and of itself, but I was more inclined to wake up because ass-kicking was about to commence. And by that, I really mean that since Matt and I were away last weekend, my parents decided to postpone Easter activities with their kids until we got back. That meant dyeing eggs last night and going on a massive hunt for them today. My dad, for as long as I can remember, has spent a portion of the afternoon (come Easter time) alone, hiding the eggs and then laughing at all of us as we fight over finding them.

Today it was the Js versus the Ms. Jeff, Jeremy and Jeremy's best friend, Jed, were on one team and Matt and I were on the other. My dad hid the eggs at church (which is huge and sprawling with lots of vegetation). After all, the church is in the hills, so lots of greenery and wildlife abound. I really think it's something my dad really enjoys every year. And heck, we have fun shoving each other around too.

Given that the tournament was unevenly matched, Matt and I did pretty well. We lost by two eggs, including the one Jed ate halfway through the search and rescue operation to sustain himself. His defense was that he has a special place in his heart for hard boiled eggs, which I believe. The boy comes from Italian stock and appreciates food in a manner that I find fun to be around.

Anyway, I've been thinking lately. About lots of things, all of varying degrees. Some of my thoughts recently:

- I should discipline myself and make myself sit down and write for at least half an hour every day. I've lost my spark since I left college. Well, 'lost' perhaps isn't the right word. The fire has just died down some. Of course, the discipline part also comes into play on the opposite end as well in this way: what starts out as a half hour session of writing rarely stays one. Usually, I sit down to write for half an hour and it inevitably turns into a three hour session, which usually puts me awake late at night and regretting it all the following day. So I've been thinking I should discipline myself on both ends of the spectrum and see what it produces. Something is better than nothing.

- Life has forever been changed with my cousin's death nearly a month ago. It took a much bigger toll on me than I thought it would. I don't know if it's because Jeremy is the same age as Connor was or what, but it affected me tremendously and it took (and is taking) time to heal. I was talking to Uncle Benny about that last night, how blogging just hasn't been a desire since all that happened. Even Uncle Benny, who's faithful in blogging every day when he's home, has found it hard to sit down and write.

I know he reads my blog faithfully, so I'll say this: I encourage you to make yourself sit down and blog. It's therapeutic on so many levels. Even if you don't post the blog, even if you just write it and archive it in a personal file, it'll act as a balm.

- I've been thinking a lot about my boss lately. Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you. She's still the same person, rough edges and all, but it's been a little easier to work with her the last couple months. Perhaps it's to do with the conversation I had with her concerning her behavior and lack of predictability as a person and with her moods. Dunno. But it's been a thought.

- School. I've applied to go back to school for a graduate degree. I'm still waiting to hear about acceptance, etc. but I'm beginning to wonder if it's a good idea. On the one hand, getting it over and done with now will only benefit me in many respects. I don't have kids to contend with. I have my youth and my eagerness to learn and my ability to do well.

Yet, it's a huge financial responsibility. I haven't even finished paying off my students loans for my Bachelor's degree. I'd have to go down to part time work where I am (something I've already cleared as a possibility with everyone who would have a say in anything), which would mean less income. As it is, I'm putting away half my salary every pay period into savings, paying bills and other expenses out of the rest, which leaves me with not much to speak of. Sure, I could put less into savings, but I figure I might as well put in what I can now because I don't know what the future holds and I like the idea of having a nest egg for something if we need it.

It's also a lot of time. The time I wouldn't spend working, I'd spend studying and I'm not sure how that will all fit into to being married. If I was still single, it wouldn't matter so much. I'd just hunker down and do what needed to be done, but with a husband, I need to be attentive to him as well as other aspects of sharing a life with someone. I'd certainly have to set boundaries for my time, even though I might not get all my school work done when I'd like to.

- Brothers. Since Connor died I find myself praying more and more earnestly for my brothers, for their friends and for their choices to be guided by something bigger than any of us. It seems that even Jeff's age group has more problems than mine did. When I was in high school, not a lot was serious. I mean, tests, projects, whether or not so-and-so liked whose-its-blossom were the big things. But even Jeff's group of friends seem to have dealt with more than I did. Teenage pregnancy scares, drugs, drinking addictions, a lack of knowing how to cope with pressure, let alone comprehending the idea that it doesn't matter at all what 'he' thinks of you or what 'she' does.

Maybe it's my own personality that's different. Maybe those things were happening when I was in school. I just tended to not associate myself with those kinds of people. I didn't see the point in it. I'm just hoping my brothers will have the same common sense buried somewhere in them to make good choices.

- Spirituality. This is a huge one. I've been going to this little reformed Baptist church for a year now with Matt. I can't say I went willingly. Originally I only went because Matt went and I strongly believe that as his wife, where he goes, I will follow. Sometimes I can't help but go, I love him that much, even though it goes against my better judgment or own desires.

Well, in the last year, church has been a challenge, to say the least. I came from a fairly liberal church with no clear declaration of what it believed. I mean, it's there, written down somewhere and you can look at it if you'd like, but as a whole it's not clearly known or defined what my church believed. As a result, I have found that I'm not really sure where I stand. I have real trouble giving up my own idea that salvation is based entirely on free will and that I had the choice to either choose or not choose.

This Baptist church we've been attending disagrees entirely. They believe that God has chosen certain people to receive salvation and that despite our ability to choose, eventually those chosen can't help but believe. It has something to do with the idea that if one half is true and the other not true, then the whole thing becomes untrue. In other words, if a person is chosen from the beginning to be saved, yet actively chooses to NOT believe, then God ceases to be sovereign.

That said, my big question is this: how can a person who believes in God know for sure that they're saved?

I guess the long and short answer to that is that you can't. This calls into question the issue of trust. If I haven't been chosen by God to be saved, then according to the doctrine this Baptist church believes, there's nothing I can do about it. The thing for me, though, is how do I know one way or the other?

I just don't bother to read the Bible. I don't really bother (apart from Sunday and Wednesday night Bible studies) to think a great deal about spiritual matters. I find myself wanting to know answers and to be well-acquainted with Scripture, but I don't want to do the work. And I acknowledge this is a backwards way of thinking. Nothing in my life worth attaining has come easily. The road to marriage was long and incredibly testing with all of Matt's visa issues. My degree took what, in retrospect, seems superhuman efforts to attain. I know that fundamentally, this is no different, but I lack the desire to do the work needed to obtain a desired outcome. And I'm kind of at a loss for ideas as to what to try.

I've thought about just making myself read the Bible, but then I wouldn't know what I'd be looking for. I identify the stories clearly, but the deeper stuff that I know is there is usually lost to me. Perhaps it's just been so long since I've done it that things might have changed. I might be able to identify other stuff in there. I mean, I know I'm good at finding things hidden in text. I did really well in all my literature classes where I did nothing but read and identify 'hidden' meaning in my essays and my writing.

I think the difference there is that with texts that aren't the Bible, I see no problem in using what's there to create and argument that I can make and convince someone else of. With the Bible, it's different. You see, I believe the Bible to be a work fully inspired by God and as such, ineffably and undeniably truth, completely. I can't take it and make an argument to suit myself and what I think. What's there is there. And what's there is truth whether I like it or not, agree with it or not, believe it fully or not. It's a tough pill to take. And I can't make heads or tails of it.

I've made sense of very little of it. For instance, I had trouble swallowing the idea that God chooses certain people, not everyone. I grew up believing that Jesus died for the sins of the whole world and that it was up to us to believe and choose salvation. The doctrine I've been exposed to states that God chose a few of us for salvation and that nothing can be done about who has been chosen and who hasn't. This idea was backwards to me, but then one day I realized that it makes sense God would choose some people and not others. After all, the Old Testament is full of stories about God actively choosing Israel has His people and crushing the other nations that lived. I mean, come on...the story of Moses alone is a great example. God chose Israel, not Egypt, as His people and despite the oppression, it was Israel that saw promises fulfilled.

So how does that apply to a person? Well, I haven't been able to crack that code yet, but I think about it. After all, if I'm to believe that only some are saved, I would like to know if I'm counted in that number. And of course, for a person like me, suddenly not being sure of my own salvation is making me crazy. It's been a long road and I'm no closer to seeing an end to it than I was when I first started rolling this notion around in my head.

- Marriage. Lots of people I know have been getting married lately. The last year alone saw the marriages of several friends of mine, both here in California and abroad. Upcoming marriages are planned as well. While I'm happy for people, I find myself questioning some of them. I wonder whether or not they're doing it for the right reasons or if they're just doing it for the sake of doing it and not being alone or, better put, feeling along. I won't mention names because I have a little more tact than that, but I think those couple friends of mine in this position know who they are. I apologize if I seem harsh in saying these things, but it's been on my mind and I know that you understand how I have to have these 'purging' blogs to get things out of me.

My own marriage has been something I've been thinking of lately too. A year went by so fast. I'll be 25 years old this coming weekend, which doesn't seem possible when I really sit down and think about it. Marriage has been wonderful to and for me. Matt's incredibly good to me in so many ways, the least of which not being that he puts up with my bouts of selfishness.

I'm telling you, if you want to realize just how selfish you are, I recommend marriage hands down.

- Bed. Well, it's not something I've been thinking about lately. I go to bed every day, sometimes more than once (if I'm lucky!), but at the moment, it's something I'm thinking about because I'm tired. And despite my wishes to have more time to myself and with Matt, both of us have to go back to big, bad work tomorrow. After all, we need to earn a crust to live on.

Goodnight, loves! Sleep well!

- Arty