artykins

So the date Matt and I were supposed to go on (as you can probably gather from my language) never materialized.  We didn't have a fight or anything like that.  I just got up Saturday morning after he let me sleep in a little, took a shower and I was finishing the process of taming my unruly hair when Matt came into the bathroom and told me that my mom had called with bad news about my cousins Noe and Connor.

Of course, my first question was 'were they in an accident?' which is pretty bad news for any family member because if it's an accident and you get a call about it, that usually means it was a substantial crash.  But that wasn't the case.  For an instant I was relieved until Matt told me that it appeared that Connor (who was 14 years old) had committed suicide Friday night.

I felt lots of things at once.  I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and then that feeling was followed by one of getting ready to throw up.  I didn't, thankfully, as that would have just made the day a tiny bit worse.  

I called my mom right away and she cried as soon as I said, 'Mom, Matt just told me.'  Of course, that set me off, but the two of us pulled it together long enough for my mom to explain things to me.  At that point our cousin Diana got to the family house, looked at my mom on the phone and broke down into a puddle of tears, which set my mom off again, which started me going again.

I just don't understand.  I try to wrap my brain around what's happened, but I can't.  I just simply don't understand.

So for those of you asking about my Facebook status' the last couple days, checking in to see if I'm alright, my answer is no, I'm not.  But the good news in this is that I have an amazing family, an amazing husband and an even more amazing God to help me and those who mourn with me cope.  And this is comfort enough for me.