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01/27/2008
Icarus
It's what he wants to put on the wall
Between the speakers
And in honesty, I quite fancy the idea
Myth on my wall
To look at
To remember
To ponder
But having read your categorical errors
Your categorical thoughts
Your categorical fancies
I reconsider
Icarus was Daedalus' son
His only child
For whom he provided
For whom he had prometheus
Forethought
Planning
Thoughts, much like yours
So when Daedalus was imprisoned
Held captive in the labyrinth he himself built
By Minoa's king
He gave plans to his son
His flesh and blood
His Icarus
So that he might escape the dark fate
That had befallen him
He gave Icarus wings
Fashioned out of feathers
And wax
And with danger so imminent
Daedalus gave Icarus one instruction
And one only
'Do not fly close to the sun'
And so Icarus escaped
He escaped the fate his father faced in that labyrinth
In Minoa
With the fabled minotaur
But overcome with the sublimity of flying
Icarus ignored his father's instruction
And flew close to the sun
Flew close to what before had only been possible in dreams
Soared to the very brink of imagination
Beyond hope
Beyond dreams
Beyond cares
But Icarus only had wings made of feather and wax
And so the sun melted the wax
That held the feathers
That kept Icarus within the borders of the sublime
And he fell
Icarus fell into the ocean
He was not so lucky that the fall killed him
But he remained in the seas
Being tossed to and fro by the waves
Ruled by a much softer light
A much gentler light
A much kinder, loving light of the moon
The light of one he held to be a goddess
The light of Artemis
Huntress
Defender
Nurturer
Related to, but gentler than the one who destroyed you
So Icarus lie wounded
Kept afloat by chance
But he was so saddened by his fall from sublimity
That he chose merely to vanish
To sink
To drown
To ultimately forego the chance to live
Forego the chance to hope
Forego the chance to fly once more into the heavens
And into dreams
And so Icarus died
Because he dared to fly towards the light
To bask in its warmth
To find solace in its regularity
You, my friend, are Icarus
You have flown into the light and fallen back to the sea
It is where you lie
Wounded
Afloat in waves
Afloat in what remains of your life
Do not end like Icarus
Do not abandon hope
Do not abandon the chance to fly once more
To find new wings to soar into the often untouched sublime
Yes, life has dealt harshly with you
Yes, life has been unfair
Yes, life has been hard
But the rest of us manage
I don't want Icarus
And all he represents
On my wall
On my mind
And so I offer you this advice
Learn to swim
The rest of us have
22:15 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (5) | Email this
01/17/2008
Dated
I'm looking for a date
I'm looking for a time
I'm searching for a reason why
Why
Why it shouldn't be mine
Do you know that I mourn?
Do you know that since he left I have cried every single night?
I do
I cry in the shower
Because there, no one can hear me
No one is witness to my nightly ritual
Of holding the pieces of my own broken heart
And sitting against the cold porcelain
Asking
Pleading for the superhuman strength
To piece it back together
Back together so that no one knows any different
So that no one knows my heart is held together with tape
With nothing more than scotch tape
So while you wonder
While you choose what's best to wear tomorrow
While you ask out loud even though you have an answer
While you do all this
I sit
I sit against the cold porcelain and plead for the strength I just don't have
I sit against the cold porcelain and wonder why
I wonder how
You could steal from me that which should be mine
You had your date
You got to choose it
You got to plan it
You got to announce it to the world
What then makes my date different from yours?
What is it about me
That you somehow seem fit to steal this happiness from me?
You had your date
Your celebration
People still celebrate it
Everything entitles me to do the same
Everything
So tell me
What makes me unfit to announce my own plans
Would you?
Until then
I remain resentfully yours
21:35 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
01/14/2008
To Turn A Phrase
Take me there. Where?
To the place where I can see.
Face to face I stare.
In a mirror, only me.
Right now we can only meet where kindred spirits dwell,
In our heart of hearts
until the desire comes – a tree of life.
It’s the fastest place on earth,
Light and sound bring us milliseconds away.
Through fiber optic connexions I bask in your presence,
But I want to be with you. Today.
Tomorrow
Forever in my arms
Forever in my sight
Forever to hear
Patience. Lord grant me this:
To be “Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power unto all patience and long suffering with joyfulness. Giving thanks to the Father … Who hath delivered us from the power of darkness and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son.”
And now, not long, soon.
Following lines of rapid transit,
You will join me on life’s journey,
Living for Christ and one another,
The hope so long deferred forgotten.
The unknown future ours at last
- M&M
21:15 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this
01/08/2008
Trinity Baked
My deepest and most sincere heartfelt thanks to the Lord God Almighty for being ever faithful unto me. For being my music and my strength, my guidance and my light, my portion and my breath.
I've spent the day today in a kind of fog. I went about my business at work like I normally do, but I found that I was much more easily distracted today of all days. Really, I wanted the day to be over and granted there are bound to be days like that, today was a pretty significant day.
What happened?
Well, a year of hardships was given an ending and it is a most beautiful end. I can't say all the hardship was worth it as I would never wish such things on people, even my enemies, but the I can only liken it to what I hear about labor pains. It hurts like hell to go through, but the sight of that baby when it's all over makes you forget the blinding pain. That's very much how I feel today.
You see, Matt got a letter from the embassy today with his interview date, which means that there is an end in sight to the distressing and sometimes heart-wrenching process of his visa. The weeks of sitting, not knowing if the case was making process are over. The nights when all but the smallest kernal of my hope had fled from me, leaving me in a puddle of tears in my mother's arms. All the weekends of 'supposed to' and 'should have been' are now turned to ones of 'this' and 'that instead of that.' All the months I spent separated from Matt, both physcially and emotionally, are going to be over.
And I don't mourn any of their passings.
I don't mourn having to live without hearing him say 'goodnight, darling' when it's dark in California. I don't mourn my guarded emotions losing their guard. I don't have to numb myself to longings or fears any longer because I'm not thinking of self-preservation in the long term now. I'm thinking in the here and very soon of everything. I don't mourn all the lonely times when I would walk alone without someone's hand to hold when I wanted to.
It's been a year of termendous trial for me. This time last year, curve balls were thrown at me and they just kept coming. In some ways I feel like a piece of pottery that's been thrown to the ground. Parts of me have been broken, other parts of me glued back together and put through still more trials to test my mettle and the strength I have left. While I'm not entirely sure how strong I am after said ordeals, I have come to a point where I have begun to see a strength not belonging to me, intervening on my behalf to hold me when I cannot walk and to carry me when I cannot stand.
I had everything planned. Everything so meticulously planned. I was so happy when Matt and I decided on a wedding date that has long since passed without ever occuring. I was going to finish my last semester, graduate from college, go to Europe for a month, come back to find a job and then find an apartment. Matt would join me when he could and October was to be the best month of the year for us.
In reality, the only thing that happened as planned was my trip to Europe. I nearly didn't graduate due to a technicality on my transcripts, which would have meant one more semester of school, which in turn would interfere with plans for the wedding. It took me ages longer than I excepted to find a job. An apartment wasn't found because there was no money to pay rent. Student loans started to look daunting. And October came and went without anything special happening.
No. Wait. That's actually a lie. Something very special happened in October. On the 31st...on Halloween...my petition on Matt's behalf for the visa was approved. I sat on the porch that evening and waited for him to come up the walkway. It was nearly dark when I went to meet him on the pathway. And I gave him the biggest hug I could conjure.
But here and now, today, I think I can begin to see the edges of God's purpose in all of this. It may very well be I'm wrong, or that there is perhaps more than one purpose for everything that has happened, but I honestly feel as though this ordeal of the last year has been a step forward in trusting the Lord with things. When October came, I really was angry because until then I had held out hope that things would work out in time. When I realized that it wasn't going to happen, I was devastated. I questioned God's intent, I called His promise to keep me faithfully into question and I was upset with people for not seeming to understand what I felt.
Petty, I know.
But what's hard to explain is that even in the depths of despair that I have visited a couple times, at least, over the last year, I always had a kernal of hope inside me. I knew God would work things out for good and not ill. I was just upset it wasn't in my time, the way I had planned it. Very upset.
But then I had a conversation with a friend of mine who shall remain unnamed for...security purposes...which basically boiled down to this:
If you want something from God, why don't you ask it of Him?
A simple and basic question, really, but at the time I thought to myself, 'come on! It's God we're talking about here, not my brother who owes me a favor for covering up his Ferris Bueller day in the city!'
Long story short, God gave me something I asked for in the form of a job.
So...all of this is to really say that I had a piece of tres leches cake tonight. It's a Mexican delicacy that will be part of the cuisine in heaven when I get there. The name translates to 'three milks' and that's what they do. They mix three different milks together and soak the cake in it and layer it and frost it. It's really yummy. But I was struck tonight by the trinity of the cake mirroring the trinity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit and the goodness therein.
And so God is infinitely God and He has given me cake. What's left to do but savor it?
Later Days,
Arty
19:35 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (3) | Email this
01/07/2008
Amendment
Just for the record:
Online Payday Loans
And I didn't lie about the address, like some of us among blogdom.
To be perfectly honest, though, I think this IQ meter bases it's answer on the type of post it is. I plan to test this theory, perhaps incorporate a short blurb in every posting what 'today's blog IQ level' is. It's a thought.
But yeah. This one is for the record.
Booyah!
Later Days,
Arty
21:50 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
01/05/2008
January Dance
A windowed room facing the sky
It's dark, only stars to give light
Nothing here but my own soul
I stare, find my shadows inside
Calling to utmost dispair
Doubt rising up like a lake
Empty inside my own room
The walls spinning music for me
My eyes closing gently to hear
The sounds most like heav'nly encores
It whispers to me of a hope
A hope that I thought I had lost
A hand taking mine in its own
Leading me onward towards light
I didn't know darkness was mine
Until I followed to see
This hope of mine lost with the year
Found in consigned misery
I hesitate one moment more
An arm reaches out, catches me
Turning me back towards the light
Blinding, but beautifully bright
Forgetting this darkness of mine
I follow its lead in a waltz
A whisper to tell me I'm kept
It sounds like life inside my veins
Lovely to hear, never to stop
I smile and begin to believe
That wonderful hour of my dance
To know hope is my gift to keep
Alone in invisible rooms
The walls giving music to me
The hand giving guidance to heed
The arm giving strength to sustain
The voice giving breath, life for me
Waltzing from shadows to light
22:30 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
01/04/2008
Buckets
Okay, so I feel like the Morton's Salt girl today! You know, the one with the big umbrella, the yellow rain slicker and big boots? The reason? Oh nothing too much. Just the biggest storm in recent history.
That's right! I haven't seen it stop raining since I got up this morning with the sound of rain outside my windows. But what's a little rain, you ask? Well, this isn't just showers. It's not just one freak pocket of downpour. This is all out war raged against us from on high.
To give you lovelies an idea of what's going on, I give you the list of things happening around my digs:
- Golden Gate Bridge was shut down to rigs (lorries) and busses. Why? The wind was far too dangerous coming through the gate to allow what are the massive sails in the car world of today's stormy seas.
- All ferries crossing the bay have been docked. Nothing is running on the water. Nothing. Except perhaps a large petrol troller, which will inevitably crash into the Bay Bridge again and cause another massive oil spillage that makes the environmentalists (harbored within the borders of Berkeley) rise as one with torches, pitchforks and tofu hot-dogs in hand to slay the monster that is capitalism.
Now, I want it clearly understood that I happen to like tofu hot dogs. Very much. In fact, if given the choice between the soy-based product or one made of something identifyable (seriously, they make all beef hot dogs here, etc.), I'd choose the lovely soy. I like Berkeley. There happens to be a kick-ass little Mexican place there that has the best enchiladas this side of La Ultima.
And I won't go into mourning again for mentioning La Ultima. All I'll say is that I'd give my very substantial, very brilliant and educated kingdom for La Ultima to come back and provide me with the enchiladas de queso I so loved as a girl growing up.
- Highway 101 through San Rafael is shut down due to...that's right...massive flooding. MASSIVE. FLOODING. Enough said!
- Tahoe is expecting a projected ten feet of new snow. Today. Today! Ten feet in one day! Judging on what's outside my office windows, I'd say they're about at the fifteen feet mark right about now.
- The Embarcadero is flooded. No one is there, which is a serious anomaly. The place is always crawling with people. Always, always, always. What I can't understand is why it's flooding. It sits right on the edge of the bay. Unless the bay itself has risen the eight or so feet it would need to to spill over the bases of all the piers, it escapes me as to why there's a flooding problem there.
Perhaps it's those pesky environmentalist from Berkeley saying that rain water along the Embarcadero can't be dumped straight back into the bay. Instead it has to travel thousands of feet to a treatment plant where it will be converted into drinking water. Oh baby...carginogens galore filtered for my pleasure and enjoyment! How could you pass that up?
*Another disclaimer*
I'd also like it know that I still love Berkeley and that I, myself, care greatly about the environment. I'm just really having a go at things because I'm at work, there's nothing to do because I finished everything, I'm cranky and I need to pee.
*End disclaimer*
What else has been going on around here today? Oh yes.
- Cue great-aunt and cousin by marriage. Imagine it. You're on your way to work, driving cautiously as the weather doesn't permit even the standard speed limits, when all of a sudden a very large, very scary sound echoes just near you. That's right. A tree branch has just fallen. Laden with the heavy burden of water and wind (which I'll get to next!), the tree just felt it wasn't worth facing anymore. That's right. It forsook its own arm and said "I've had enough of this, I quit."
Aunt Addie and Monica are fine.
- Winds! 75mph winds around the bay! They're even stronger along the coast. That is not okay.
In fact, given the conditions I've just described to you, I think I'm going to declare a state of emergency and say that we, here in California, are experiencing a hurricane.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a rain coat to put on, an umbrella to keep from folding in on itself and a car drive to make it home.
Later Days,
Arty
13:39 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (2) | Email this
01/03/2008
Sir Spencer
I hate the day, because it lendeth light
To see all things, but not my love to see.
- E.S.
19:16 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this